Cultured Views

I have been watching a very interesting show called ‘One Born Every Minute’ which features various women going through the ritual of labour and childbirth. Having gone through this myself five times I knew what those women were all going through – I could feel every twinge along with them…’twinge’ being the understatement of the millenium too.

It is amazing how we women cope with the kind of pain that has no equal and how we are so often prepared to endure it time and time again, but that is how we are made and of course it is the end result that makes it all so bloody worthwhile. Let’s not forget the Dads though as without them we would not be there, a fact we remind them of in various ways while we feel as though we are being torn in two. We scream at them, swear at them, crush their fingers and tear tufts of hair from their arms but mostly they stick it out, going the distance with us knowing too that the end result will be a tiny human being that they helped to create. I often think that we should all remember that pregnancy is the one chance we ever get to actually assist God in creating a miracle.

The women on tonight’s show were as heroic as any woman is bringing a child into the world, the men supportive and anxious…with one exception – a complete and utter moron called ‘Steve’. Steve’s wife, Tracy, is having her fourth baby and throughout her labour he sits to one side of the room with their 18 year old son, Liam, and behaves like a ten year old in a biology lesson. This idiot is also – would you believe – a policeman in his spare time. While his wife gasps in the gas and air he mimics her distress, smirks, clowns and shows off to the camera with the equally immature Liam joining in – god knows why he was there as seeing your Mum giving birth is a little too much information at that age in my opinion (though quite possibly enough to put him off  sex and ensure he keeps his own trousers zipped until he is at least 30…). At one stage Steve tries to lock Tracy in the toilet as she goes into another contraction, he also flicks her with an inflated rubber glove as she desperately groans in agony…at this point in the show I was longing for the midwife to come in and clock him clean across the back of the head with a bedpan.

Luckily all goes well for all the mums and dads, and even Steve eventually stopped dragging his knuckles along the floor when it became apparent that Tracy and the baby were in severe distress and complications were presenting themselves. Personally I would like to see Steve’s reversed-vasectomy corrected…with a rusty knife and fork. Jerk.

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