It is interesting to read the accounts of how the evacuations from the Costa Concordia were conducted when it listed to one side off the coast of Italy. ‘Women and children first’…really? in this day and age are we honestly expecting men to stay and risk drowning so that women can be saved…? going by eye-witness accounts the truth is obvious. Equality reigns in survival situations if you ask any man. But to suggest that children not be given priority in an emergency situation is simply ridiculous – and of course if children are involved then their parents have to be involved with them. It is a hard one to call, especially if you have never been in such a situation yourself.

I only know that I would be desperate to see my family safe before myself. ‘Parents and children first’ should be the policy, there has to be some system in place because children would be the most vulnerable in the case of an emergency. It is not nice to read that adults were fighting each other to get onto the lifeboats but fear, and the over-riding sense of self-survival, is a natural instinct in all of us. Unless you’re a parent…then your child’s survival over-rides even your own.

RIP to those who did not make it.

Watching ‘Attack of the Tripadvisors’ was rather cathartic for us the other night; as former hoteliers who have experienced first-hand the mentality of those who use Tripadvisor as a means of avenging a self-righteous feeling of being wronged, we felt totally vindicated in our opinions of the people who act as amateur hotel inspectors looking for some recognition in their small, empty lives. We felt ripped off as we had only managed to attract three bad reviews – from three couples with massive chips on their shoulders – but reading their deluded rantings gave us some light relief in our working lives I must say. But it makes you wonder just what is lacking in the lives of the people who set out to NOT enjoy themselves in a hotel, B&B or restaurant and make it their mission to take the tiniest infringement of detail and turn it into an epic of vitriol designed not to educate fellow patrons, but make minor publishers out of themselves. Basically they don’t care if you decide not to book a room at that B&B they trashed, or a table in that pub they rubbished – they get their buzz from seeing their words published online as if they actually matter for anything…and they take themselves in their sanctimonious and self-appointed roles very, very seriously. Shame nobody else does though. Let’s look at some of these suburban egomaniacs from the other night…

Meet John and Sean: partners who go from B&B to B&B and lay siege with their checklist – yes folks, these guys put Ruth Watson to shame – and get their jollies from crossing the boxes instead of ticking them. My god, they found a dribble of water in their kettle…call the police and forensic scientists! any proprietor will know that people will habitually turn on a kettle without first checking to see if it is empty…a little water inside ensures such no-brainers don’t burn out the element and the B&B with it. And as for the toilet brush…it is a toilet brush boys, and in my experience as a hotel owner guests who knew how to even use a bloody toilet brush were few and far between. However Sean and John can take heart as the lady who owns the B&B they hit on has put the place up for sale. I don’t blame her one bit – there are far easier ways to earn a living than having such petty-minded little troublemakers in your home.

Step forward Stu.bec – few of these people ever use their real name – who has knocked off hundreds of ‘reviews’ and clearly considers himself every traveller’s best friend so dedicated is he to finding fault with every establishment he visits. Stu.bec likes to criticise everything from the proprietors personal taste in decor (as if a stuffed and mounted tiger’s head would ruin your holiday but then one needs something to write about…) and is that rare kind of male who objects to artistically drawn semi-pornographic images of women…Stu.bec’s life rests upon nothing coming up to his standards – whatever they are – and heaven help us should he happen upon the perfect establishment which gives him nothing to moan about. One wonders why such a person dedicates so much time to being an unsatisfied customer. How on earth does the British Tourism Board manage without him and his talent…?

Introducing Cat.Dee: an obviously intelligent lady, but one who typifies the TA reviewer who gives no thought whatsoever to the kind of damage their words can do to a business and it’s owners when hiding behind the anonymity of a non-de-plume and the internet. She stepped up to the mark and faced her victims who invited her and a group of friends back for a meal after she rubbished them on TA. Her discomfort when hearing the feelings of the owner and his wife was obvious – but what does she expect…? when you throw knives they will inevitably hit their target and the words of people like her are just as sharp and just as damaging. Yes Cat.Dee – your actions have consequences. Not nice to know about though eh…?

We save the best for last…Ricky: This curious young man travels around with his gran and takes it upon himself to deface accommodation property with a pen to trap owners who don’t change sheets every single day. Guess what Ricky – they don’t. We didn’t in our establishment, and nor in any that we knew of or stayed in – although I cannot speak for the Ritz or Dorchester. Ricky’s gran revealed he had been bullied in school and so now Ricky is taking his revenge out on any poor B&B owner who unwittingly takes his booking. This guy is weird and on one hell of a power trip – his hands were shaking with excitement as he prepared to check if his sheets had been changed – get ready Tripadvisor – his feeling of empowerment was palpable when he discovered his pen marks were still on his sheets the next day – and what about his  ‘flaky skin’…? I think flaky skin is the least of this guy’s problems…he could find it difficult to book a room anywhere from now on!

I have been watching ‘Relocation Relocation’ where British house-hunters are taken to Australia to look for their dream home in the sun. Boy are they irritating! It’s not just those who go to Oz either, I’ve seen the same type be taken to France and Spain in similar programmes and they have one thing in common…no matter what fantastic house is shown to them they always find something to moan about – no house is ever good enough for them.

Take the former for example. I’ve seen couples travel to Australia and be shown the most wonderful properties, even when it seems a house ticks all their boxes (and boy, do some of them have some fussy boxes to tick) it is always one of them – usually the wife – who crinkles her nose and complains that there is something ‘not quite right’. What is it about British people…? they want a house right by the beach and yet demand it also has a pool…why? how come a four/five bedroom house, with huge kitchen, play room, large backyard, rumpus room (leisure room), family room and extensive front is ‘not big enough’ for them and their two kids…? what do they want…something resembling an airport terminal?

Then it might be that the neighbours are too close – you can see them over the fence and through the trees. Listen up – one thing about Australians is that they don’t give a toss about who lives beside them, behind them, in front of them or wherever – nobody will be wanting to spy on you. In Australia we think neighbours are fine so long as they stay within the confines of their own house and yard. Forget about not wanting to see them because they sure as eggs don’t want to see you! The Poms it seems are turned on by massive homes with more space than they will ever be able to use, everything has to be BIG. Few of them will have owned a home big enough to swing a cat in and yet they have these outrageous ideas about living in cavenous properties with pools, beaches at arms length and enough space to park five cars at the front door. No wonder watching these shows get my goat!

Ten years ago it seemed as though every British person was selling up and moving to start a new life in either France, Greece or Spain, or if they weren’t they wanted to do so. The TV channels were full of those ‘living the dream’ shows where ordinary people packed up, moved to their dream house in the sun and despite the odd hiccup here and there everything went swimmingly in the end. We all wanted a bite of the peach and many of us put everything on the line to have a go at changing our lives for the better. For some the change was one for the better – for many, many others though it was the greatest mistake of their lives and one for which they are still paying a huge price a decade on. It all looked so easy when Nigel and Nippy battled through their trials and tribulations to build a house in the French Ardeche village of  Vals-les-Bains only to win through in the end…but as we know even Nigel gave up eventually after some misadventures and came back somewhat wiser but also in debt…

For those people, many of them retirees, who bought properties in Spain the dream turned into a nightmare. Corrupt council officials, dodgy estate agents, greedy Spanish banks and unscrupulous developers have combined to create a living hell for these people. Many have had their homes repossessed and demolished years after moving in. Homes that they thought had been built and paid for completely above board suddenly became ‘illegal builds’, one by one bulldozers arrived at front doors accompanied by the local police with orders for the home-owners to vacate their homes within a matter of hours. Corrupt councils were ordering peoples homes be torn down with no compensation offered at all and the Spanish Government stood by and did absolutely nothing for these people. Only the homes of foreigners were demolished though…

As a result Britons have been deserting Spain in droves and the Spanish are now panicking due to the effects this mass exodus is having not only on local commerce but on the tourism front. The Spanish Housing Minister, Jose Blanco, is asking the Brits to return and buy property there once again promising new planning laws are in place but the British are saying ‘NO’ in resounding numbers. And why should they trust such a corrupt administration ever again…? thousands of British people lost their homes and life savings, they got no help whatsoever from the authorities, they had to return to the UK broke and broken. It is known that up to 300,000 properties owned by foreigners are up for demolition still. The Spanish are desperate because their housing market – previously so dependent on British buyers – has completely dried up in the past three years. It’s a case of ‘once bitten…’. Buying property in Spain is full of hidden horrors and one that British people are not going to be tempted into so easily again.

Sorry Senor Blanco – but it’s an ‘adios’ you will have to wear.

Being former hoteliers ourselves I have been finding the Channel Four series ‘Four in a Bed’ morbidly fascinating viewing, even more so than the old chestnut ‘The Hotel Inspector’ which became pretty mundane after Ruth Watson stopped hosting the series. Basically Four in a Bed features a group of B&B owners who go around staying in each other’s properties and rating them to see who is the winner – best B&B – at the end of the week. Not a lot happens in the way of effusive praise or constructive criticism of course, each couple wants to outdo the others and this leaves the road open for a lot of bitching and sniping as the week and visits progress.

The establishments range from some rather nice properties to the bottom end of the scale with some places featured that you wouldn’t board your dog at. That’s par for the course though as there’s a grey area of the B&B business which does not demand you attain a star rating and pretty much allows anyone who fancies their chances to turn their home into a B&B – avoid at all costs those who boast that they ‘don’t go in for ratings or accreditations’ by the way. As far as this series goes it is not so much the properties which leave a bad taste in the mouth, but rather their odious owners who quite fancy themselves as seriously welcoming and entertaining people. They are not, they are dreadful.

One female host on the show recently sported a pair of false upper teeth which made her look as though she had partially swallowed a piano keyboard, she found fault with everything and everyone else and looked down her nose at her fellow humans in general from a lofty height with the face of a slapped arse. Another couple, the female half being the human equivalent of the Michelin Man, owned a farm B&B and she was decidedly affronted when her guests stated they did not appreciate their bed linen being liberally decorated with dog hairs…I agree, YUK. The one thing consistent in this series is the ‘unlikeability’ factor of the participants – I have not seen one couple yet who strike me as being people who like having strangers staying in their homes, a vital requirement for people running a B&B. Nasty, bitchy, fussy, pedantic and just plain irritating – I met many people just like them during our six years of running our own hotel and that those people were also English is no coincidence.

Four in a Bed…? not even one I’m afraid – I’d give all of these people a very wide berth and stay at a Travel Lodge instead.