Watching ‘Attack of the Tripadvisors’ was rather cathartic for us the other night; as former hoteliers who have experienced first-hand the mentality of those who use Tripadvisor as a means of avenging a self-righteous feeling of being wronged, we felt totally vindicated in our opinions of the people who act as amateur hotel inspectors looking for some recognition in their small, empty lives. We felt ripped off as we had only managed to attract three bad reviews – from three couples with massive chips on their shoulders – but reading their deluded rantings gave us some light relief in our working lives I must say. But it makes you wonder just what is lacking in the lives of the people who set out to NOT enjoy themselves in a hotel, B&B or restaurant and make it their mission to take the tiniest infringement of detail and turn it into an epic of vitriol designed not to educate fellow patrons, but make minor publishers out of themselves. Basically they don’t care if you decide not to book a room at that B&B they trashed, or a table in that pub they rubbished – they get their buzz from seeing their words published online as if they actually matter for anything…and they take themselves in their sanctimonious and self-appointed roles very, very seriously. Shame nobody else does though. Let’s look at some of these suburban egomaniacs from the other night…

Meet John and Sean: partners who go from B&B to B&B and lay siege with their checklist – yes folks, these guys put Ruth Watson to shame – and get their jollies from crossing the boxes instead of ticking them. My god, they found a dribble of water in their kettle…call the police and forensic scientists! any proprietor will know that people will habitually turn on a kettle without first checking to see if it is empty…a little water inside ensures such no-brainers don’t burn out the element and the B&B with it. And as for the toilet brush…it is a toilet brush boys, and in my experience as a hotel owner guests who knew how to even use a bloody toilet brush were few and far between. However Sean and John can take heart as the lady who owns the B&B they hit on has put the place up for sale. I don’t blame her one bit – there are far easier ways to earn a living than having such petty-minded little troublemakers in your home.

Step forward Stu.bec – few of these people ever use their real name – who has knocked off hundreds of ‘reviews’ and clearly considers himself every traveller’s best friend so dedicated is he to finding fault with every establishment he visits. Stu.bec likes to criticise everything from the proprietors personal taste in decor (as if a stuffed and mounted tiger’s head would ruin your holiday but then one needs something to write about…) and is that rare kind of male who objects to artistically drawn semi-pornographic images of women…Stu.bec’s life rests upon nothing coming up to his standards – whatever they are – and heaven help us should he happen upon the perfect establishment which gives him nothing to moan about. One wonders why such a person dedicates so much time to being an unsatisfied customer. How on earth does the British Tourism Board manage without him and his talent…?

Introducing Cat.Dee: an obviously intelligent lady, but one who typifies the TA reviewer who gives no thought whatsoever to the kind of damage their words can do to a business and it’s owners when hiding behind the anonymity of a non-de-plume and the internet. She stepped up to the mark and faced her victims who invited her and a group of friends back for a meal after she rubbished them on TA. Her discomfort when hearing the feelings of the owner and his wife was obvious – but what does she expect…? when you throw knives they will inevitably hit their target and the words of people like her are just as sharp and just as damaging. Yes Cat.Dee – your actions have consequences. Not nice to know about though eh…?

We save the best for last…Ricky: This curious young man travels around with his gran and takes it upon himself to deface accommodation property with a pen to trap owners who don’t change sheets every single day. Guess what Ricky – they don’t. We didn’t in our establishment, and nor in any that we knew of or stayed in – although I cannot speak for the Ritz or Dorchester. Ricky’s gran revealed he had been bullied in school and so now Ricky is taking his revenge out on any poor B&B owner who unwittingly takes his booking. This guy is weird and on one hell of a power trip – his hands were shaking with excitement as he prepared to check if his sheets had been changed – get ready Tripadvisor – his feeling of empowerment was palpable when he discovered his pen marks were still on his sheets the next day – and what about his  ‘flaky skin’…? I think flaky skin is the least of this guy’s problems…he could find it difficult to book a room anywhere from now on!