Being former hoteliers ourselves I have been finding the Channel Four series ‘Four in a Bed’ morbidly fascinating viewing, even more so than the old chestnut ‘The Hotel Inspector’ which became pretty mundane after Ruth Watson stopped hosting the series. Basically Four in a Bed features a group of B&B owners who go around staying in each other’s properties and rating them to see who is the winner – best B&B – at the end of the week. Not a lot happens in the way of effusive praise or constructive criticism of course, each couple wants to outdo the others and this leaves the road open for a lot of bitching and sniping as the week and visits progress.

The establishments range from some rather nice properties to the bottom end of the scale with some places featured that you wouldn’t board your dog at. That’s par for the course though as there’s a grey area of the B&B business which does not demand you attain a star rating and pretty much allows anyone who fancies their chances to turn their home into a B&B – avoid at all costs those who boast that they ‘don’t go in for ratings or accreditations’ by the way. As far as this series goes it is not so much the properties which leave a bad taste in the mouth, but rather their odious owners who quite fancy themselves as seriously welcoming and entertaining people. They are not, they are dreadful.

One female host on the show recently sported a pair of false upper teeth which made her look as though she had partially swallowed a piano keyboard, she found fault with everything and everyone else and looked down her nose at her fellow humans in general from a lofty height with the face of a slapped arse. Another couple, the female half being the human equivalent of the Michelin Man, owned a farm B&B and she was decidedly affronted when her guests stated they did not appreciate their bed linen being liberally decorated with dog hairs…I agree, YUK. The one thing consistent in this series is the ‘unlikeability’ factor of the participants – I have not seen one couple yet who strike me as being people who like having strangers staying in their homes, a vital requirement for people running a B&B. Nasty, bitchy, fussy, pedantic and just plain irritating – I met many people just like them during our six years of running our own hotel and that those people were also English is no coincidence.

Four in a Bed…? not even one I’m afraid – I’d give all of these people a very wide berth and stay at a Travel Lodge instead.