Like most people I just love an old joke, the cornier the better, and last night I heard a whopper – it was called The Eurovision Song Contest.

And like many old jokes that have worn out their humour and meaning, when the punchline is as hackneyed and the outcome so predictable, it should be laid t0 rest and forgotten. In this case this joke called The Eurovision Song Contest should not only be laid to rest and forgotten, but it should be buried several thousand feet below the ground with several tonnes of industrial effluent to ensure it stays that way.

As an Australian who watched her very first ESC last night I can say without any hesitation that it will be my last. As a professional musician who has a pretty good idea of what the word talent means I thought I had tuned into a lavishly presented version of SideShow Alley.  Those very few who actually had talent received so few points that they must have been left wondering if the viewers around Europe had popped out to the loo whilst they were performing and missed them entirely.

In my opinion only two acts represented talent and worthiness to win…Andy Abraham (left) from the UK – who gave the performance of his life with a song that was a song in every sense of the word - and the girl-act from Norway, their name escapes me but unfortunately I remember the names of those acts I wish I could forget!

Obviously this ‘contest’ has nothing to do with talent or music whatsoever. I understand it did at one stage, afterall, this event gave the world Abba and, like them or loathe them, they were pretty good. But placing Andy and those healthy robust Nordic girls aside for now, the rest of the acts were mind numbingly bad.  The ‘voting’ - if you could call it that – was rigged and a complete joke. Countries voted for their neighbouring countries and whoever they were doing trade deals with at the time. Actually I am wondering if the viewers had gotten the wrong idea and assumed they were voting for the worst act! Because the worst acts got the points and the better acts got practically null points.

One other interesting fact was that the event was conducted in the English language – seeing that it is the common tongue that Europe shares it was logical. However those good ol’ party poopers – the French – chose to submit their country’s results in their own  language – proving once again that they care not whether the rest of the EU understands a word they say so long as those lovely grants keep financing their goose liver industry. And can someone tell me what stuff that Swedish commentator was on so we can all get some and feel just as fuzzy and incoherent as he was?

When all is said and done though congrats to Russia for, somehow, winning the night.  One wonders though with so much rich musical culture throughout Europe why the hell can none of them write a decent song?

So, leaving the best for last,  which country will I give the gong for being the worst act ? this honour must go to none other than Spain -with it’s Borat-lookalike ‘singer’ accompanied by a collection of overly-fed ‘dancing’ girls – they must have been cabaret rejects from one of those resorts on the Costa’s that attract beer swilling package-holiday Brit’s.

But the UK can at least see now what the rest of Europe thinks of them – despite them being the dumping ground for so many of that same Europe’s citizens - their only 6 points coming from, of all places, Ireland. I suggest they get in the last word by putting up the ‘no vacancies’ signs at Heathrow and Calais and tell those Europeans to bloody well sod off!

Andy Abraham will return to the UK and resume the career he so richly deserves; as for the the rest of Eurovision…pack your bags guys, the circus train is about to leave town!

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