My son turns six at the end of this month and as he has not yet had a proper kiddies birthday party I thought I would use this momentous occasion to plan his very first. Planning kids birthday parties can be fraught with danger, as can the actual event on the day. You could not believe how many things can go wrong when something involves such seemingly harmless factors such as a small group of children, sweets, games – and a very bad tempered clown with a hangover…

When William turned seven I booked a clown for his birthday party; the only time I ever did this and it turned out to be the last time I ever did this. All those nightmares you have ever had regarding clowns was true in our case – Freckles turned up late and you could have light a match from the fumes on his breath. I had originally told him there would be five kids at the party for him to entertain – by the time of the big day the number had grown to thirteen, and he was not happy about it!

This guy was actually an adults entertainer when he was not doing kids parties and at somepoint during the hour he was booked for he forgot where he was and started coming out with very ripe jokes. Halfway through his performance of magic tricks the kids started to wander off one by one and amuse themselves with the toys and swings in the yard leaving Freckles with an audience of just one person – my brother-in-law who was enjoying the show immensely.

 Needless to say Freckles decided to call it a day about ten minutes short of his hour so I paid him, including a small bonus to compensate for his stress, and he was a sad sight driving off on his motorbike sans his big red clown nose. First time I have ever heard a clown muttering obscenities under his breath…