Yep, Im on a downer right now. I wrote last month that my son William was preparing to leave here to return to Australia, and yesterday he did just that. He is on his way back as I write this.  Yesterday came around way too fast for me; not too long ago departure day was weeks and weeks away but all of a sudden we were putting his bags into the car and driving him to the airport.

We Mums go into this job knowing about all the sacrifices we will have to make and all the tears that we inevitably shed for our kids at some stage. But you are never prepared for how damn hard it is and how deeply it hurts to be a mother at times.

Will’s was bored here, things did not go his way in this country so he wanted to go back. He missed his education, he missed his friends. He gave it a go to his credit, we all tried to make it happen for him, but it didn’t.  It takes maturity to make such a decision but he did just that. He has big plans for his future and I’m excited about that. I know about some of his plans, I don’t know all of them. Parents who think they know everything about their kids need to take a reality check, because we don’t. But I’m so proud of him.

We all prepare our kids for that time when they have to go out and make their own way in the world and we hope and pray that the world will be kind to them as they make their way along.  I kept him safe sound all these years, now it is up to him to keep himself safe and sound. The hardest thing in the world is when you have to wave them off as they make that first step towards a life without you.

William has always been my pride and joy. He is kind, sensitive and caring. He loves his family, even though we frustrated him at times. Don’t we all?. He was a huge and invaluable help to me around this bloody hotel. He learned how to make up a room; he made the beds beautifully. He loved to cook things and did often. He carried things for me, changed light bulbs too high for anyone else to reach, painted doors and walls. He vaccuumed and washed up. He always lent a hand. He made my job so much easier and more bearable. He was such great company as all my kids are, we had loads of laughs…and times when we didn’t. He made life here so much more bearable and enjoyable.

Yes, I have four more ‘chicks’ in my nest, but that first one that leaves…I never knew just how painful it would be and now I know. And it hurts like hell. As happy as I honestly am for him to be setting off and doing what he wants to do, I am deeply sad for myself and what I feel I have personally lost. His everyday company, washing his clothes and ironing them, seeing his smile each day and hearing his voice. This day has come far too quickly for me.

Yesterday, I watched as he went up the stairs with his bags towards the departure area. A tall, fit and handsome young man. But strangely, at the same time, I saw a little boy in oversized school shorts and large floppy school hat carrying his school bag on his first day at school. He turned, smiled and waved at me before he disappeared into the classroom, just like he did yesterday on those stairs in the airport terminal. Both important milestones in his life, and mine. Both times seeing him taking a step towards independance. Where did those 15 years in between go to…and why did they have to go so fast?.

Yeah, I know, get a grip on yourself girl!.

I’m trying, believe me. I know it will get easier, time heals most things they say. My mind knows that…

I only wish my heart could.

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